Urge.

This week I've faced life in a different manner.

Might I say that I was not too happy by the time the results came out. Not because I was unhappy about the results, though. That is least of my concerns. I only wanted to be promoted as that is all that matters.

I was really unhappy because I get annoyed when people misunderstand me. Nobody will take me seriously in a heart-to-heart conversation for I tend to have an upbeat demeanour and a "bo-chup" face, which I find useful for stealthily gathering aural information. And so, I decided to reactivate myself to post stuff on this blog. As and when I sense that an action of mine needs to be justified, this is for all to see and discern for themselves.

Right from the beginning of the year, I resolved to only have simple ambitions, that is, such that I can sufficiently feed my family.

It so happened that the post-promo period was met with an internal conflict of moral, directional and emotional sorts. Might I reiterate that it has got nothing to do with my results. (I am indifferent towards it, until now, like my parents. No cause for celebration.) Nor was it PW, although something ugly was triggered then, but it is only due to the sudden unleash of all the emotional baggage thus far. And so, ironically, I felt lousy of myself, as if society does not value me anymore, as if people I know think I'm rubbish.

This perception changed after much reflection, catalysed by morning sunlight and boredom, at Sembawang Park. I suddenly felt that I am to impact society one day.

I used to have very big dreams. Those which people expect of me: politician, lawyer, diplomat and so on. I thought I would one day I would be able to do all that I want. But somehow, my self-esteem degraded since. However, apparently, teachers don't think so, but I still didn't realise. I thought they shared the same opinion as me. Until today when I looked at this:

My very recent change of perception of my destiny is only reaffirmed by the above which came a considerable period of time before.

God give me strength to deliver my responsiblities, show me the path of those whom you love, bless my family with good health.

Yes, the above is a wordly endeavour of mine, but to me, I do hope that this big thing I'll be doing will help my fellow Malays, help make Singapore great and most of all, do justice to the care showered by my family thus far.


P.S. Thank you, Shahir, for making me work my fingers and discern my actions even more.